I abandoned myself…
Hoping people would like me.
Like any good Romantic Comedy, I wanted to get the guy. I also wanted to be liked by pretty much everyone.
As a sensitive person—other people’s discomfort made me uncomfortable.
So I coped by becoming a chameleon… my wardrobe like Mr. Dress-Ups tickle trunk (FULL of variety). This is all rather embarrassing to admit–but aren’t all the silly things we do?
Like any good Rom-Com, sh*t hit the fan—and everything fell apart. When I checked myself into a hotel, after a bad break-up I felt pretty defeated. Simultaneously, this occurred at the same time as my international model career ended.
I was technically homeless. I had developed a negative relationship with a lot of things… Money, shopping, partying, food, relationships, and myself (to name a few).
So, at the ripe old age of 26-years old, I went on an Eat, Pray, Love journey of my own. A phase in my life that I refer to as “Life-Rehab”.
I stopped looking for
I opened my heart to myself… maybe for the first time. I came to understand this series of unfortunate events as a blessing in disguise. The guy was NO good. And I needed to look at my life and do a major RENO.
I decided to fill my cup with any healing opportunity that presented itself. I leaned into my experiences trusting I would find what I need. I sang mantras in a healing circle. I had a shaman take me on a spiritual journey of which she visited my underworld (and brought me esoteric gifts).
I also embraced the classic stuff like therapy and support groups.
I went back to school studying nutrition, yoga, meditation, business, and culinary arts. My goal: to understand wellness holistically and heal my relationship with myself.
When I felt ready, I started a consulting practice. I helped women find their own version of a healthy life. The emphasis was on the relationship they have with themselves. I believe a healthy life requires a certain level of self-acceptance and self-awareness.
Consulting was an absolutely profound experience. I realized I am not alone. Most of my clients had experienced self-abandonment. Often it was for love, or
The most powerful thing we can do as a person is to embrace ourselves. Embrace our weird. Learn to be ok with our icky “stuff”, and how to listen to those subtle calls of the heart. It provides a kind of freedom that only this embrace can.
Marie Forleo is right: “The World Does Need That Special Gift That Only You Have”. You are special my friend! (And I know how hard that can be to hear.)
Nine years later, my rom-com did end happily ever after… I found my dream guy. I created a life that I love. I became a mother. But let me say this: a lot of hard work, big tears, and sacrifice happened to get me here.
I am here as a living testament that you are meant to feel good in the skin you are in.
I started writing as a way to share my journey. I also figured the best thing I can do is share what worked for me.
It is your moral responsibility as a human to know yourself. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It is the antidote to evil. It is the answer to many problems. I do believe it will make the world a better place, and we should all be activists of self-awareness.
Everything you want in life is on the other side of settling for second best.
Stick with me–I will share with you everything I know… and everything I learn along the way.