I said I would never be the kind of gal that started a sentence with, “My therapist said…” Then I ended up meeting an amazing therapist that changed my life in ONE session.
Postpartum hit me in a different kind of way. I had to quit my job 4 months into my pregnancy due to health concerns of my baby fetus. What was my life and livelihood–was now empty space.
I was questioning my purpose, while (constantly) asking myself, “Is this safe for my pregnancy?”
Like every other soon-to-be mother, I did NOT understand what I signed up for.
My adult life was all about liberation and freedom. Most the things I enjoyed were NOT safe for pregnancy. I understood this decision to become a mother meant change. I did not understand how much grieving would come with this change.
There I was, smack dab in the middle of a full-blown identity crisis. This felt particularly inconvenient, as I had spent my late 20’s trying to figure my life out.
My therapist believes postpartum depression happens for one reason. A woman is reduced to one purpose – caring for her child. In this she no longer feels like herself, and that is (of course) confusing, isolating, and difficult. It can be a new mother’s identity crisis.
When my therapist highlighted the fact that there must be a certain death, for new life… I finally felt like things made sense. It seems so obvious, but something I was NOT able to see in my suffering.
I could not be a mother, and a woman without a child. The transition from one to another would require some growing pains.
So I grieved…
I ugly cried on my closet floor. I wrote in my journal like it was my next New York Times best-seller. I poured out my heart like a bottle of red wine spilling onto a white cotton tablecloth.
When I finally felt complete, I realized I was ready. Then the most amazing thing happened…
I found myself inviting in the change. I stopped grieving. I said goodbye to the girl I once was. This included everything from late nights out, to friendships I had had for years.
I felt like Neo from The Matrix movie… moving through 1’s and 0’s. I could see 100 yards ahead. I knew what was serving me and what was not.
Life has never been more clear.
So if you are reading this fellow mama, know that it is normal to feel everything you are feeling.
Best thing you can do is feel it. Feel it hard! Feel it all. Let it move through you. On the other side is peace. Until you feel that peace, keep moving through it. Trust me. I had old wounds, guilt, and bad memories come up. I had friends leave. I had men that said they wanted to be “friends” tell me off (even though I was in a very serious relationship).
Everything that needs to go, let it go. Make space for what is coming in. I promise it holds much more value.
If you need a little reassurance…. here is what I know about being a mother.